Forward the Brigade
by ShadowBlah2
Summary: Kyon receives a mysterious phone call giving a warning, and before anyone knows what's going on the whole Brigade finds itself on the run from an unknown enemy. And the only way to fight back is to use Haruhi's powers to their fullest.


**Forward the Brigade 1: An Ordinary Beginning**

My bat came around in a fearsome arc, its already slightly dented frame sending my opponent's own weapon clattering to the floor and mangling every bone in his hand. He didn't cry out, only giving a short grunt of acknowledgement, the best _things_ like him - didn't Nagato call them 'drones'? - were capable of, then took a step back, trying to get out my range.

Behind me, Asakura was making short work of her own batch of man-monsters, her carefree smile flashing in the occasional reflection of her hunting knife when it wasn't stuck up to the hilt in somebody's chest. To be honest, I was actually more afraid of her than the drones trying (and failing spectacularly) to kill us. Call me paranoid, but I can't muster up much trust for anyone who can take on ten guys and be so cheerful about it, no matter how much they swear up and down they're on the level, and even regardless if Nagato herself vouches for them. The way Asakura was moving was fast and elegant, almost dancing between enemies and swinging that knife of hers around like a pro. It would make anyone uneasy to witness something like that, and I had it even worse since I'd been on the wrong side of her blade enough just seeing her made me tense. But, given the situation we found ourselves in, I wasn't about to turn down some extra help. 'The more the merrier,' as they say.

I spun in place, following through with my attack, not letting the momentum of my initial swing go to waste, and hit my mark, sending a tremour through the bat's handle and a jolt of pain into my arms from the impact. The strike made a sickening crunchy, sloshy sound as it collided with my enemy's head and sent him flying away, landing like a broken doll to the floor with a bloody crater in his skull.

Before all this started I might have lost my nerve at the sight, but by this point I was already pretty used to the violence, and I didn't have time to think about it anyway since a couple more drones were coming my way.

Maybe I should back up a bit...

It was just another afternoon in the clubroom and things were, actually, pretty nice for a change. It was the first day back to school, entire months since the SOS Brigade's Christmas party and my brief sojourn into a world without Haruhi, and since then barely anything of note had really happened. I wasn't complaining, of course, but it got me worried something big was on its way. Overall, Haruhi had been almost tolerable to us, even cordial to me for whatever reason, and I couldn't help but think she was scheming something that might inadvertantly bring about the end of the world.

At the time, she sat across the table from Koizumi, switching between glaring at him and the game of chess in front of them where he, playing black, had her in check for the umpteenth time that day. For her the game was a mortal struggle, but I got the sense that Koizumi was just having fun. And the way he kept his calm no matter what Haruhi threw at him made me wonder if he was just toying with her. It sure seemed like something that shady weirdo might do.

Miss Asahina was still in her school uniform and was watching them play with wonder in her eyes. It wasn't the first time she'd seen a chess match, but no matter how many times went by, the awe never left her face. It brought questions to my mind, like what she would do for fun in the Future, or if they even had chess, but she'd probably just tell me it was 'classified,' so I never bothered to ask.

Nagato was sitting in the corner reading, as usual, and as for myself, I was sitting at the computer grudgingly updating the Brigade's website at Haruhi's insistence, (and _definitely_ not looking at scandalous pictures of Mikuru instead).

That's when my phone decided to ring.

As soon as the little jingle started from my coat pocket Haruhi's head twisted fast enough I could swear it might do a full 360. Her eyes locked with mine and instinctively I knew we were all well and truly in trouble.

I pulled out the little device and checked the caller ID.

'SOS?' I wondered to myself, then put the phone to my ear. "Hello?"

 _"Don't hang up, John Smith."_

The voice on the other end was modulated, going through multiple filters to hide its owner's identity. I should have acted more surprised, and not just because the speaker called me by that name - the one that had world-ending consequences if Haruhi ever connected it to me - but I didn't even flinch. I guess since starting high school and participating in the SOS Brigade's constant shenanigans I'd developed quite the poker face. Yay me. Nevermind what I showed on the outside though, on the inside I was going into DEFCON 1, and the more the voice on the other line spoke, the more I wished I could've gotten in a few more sneak peeks at Mikuru changing now that my life was as good as over.

 _"You're in danger. All of you. You have less than five minutes before they arrive. You don't want to be in the clubroom when that happens."_

Haruhi was still staring straight at me, so I stifled a whine of sudden anxiety and answered casually, with the same bored tone I used to answer Itsuki when he started talking fire and brimstone, but more likely was just telling tall tales to troll me.

"Oh really? And where should we go?"

 _"The café. You know the one. Make the whole SOS Brigade go there on the double - it doesn't matter how you do it. When you arrive I'll call you again."_

And with that, the mysterious caller hung up. I didn't put my phone away though. I didn't so much as move. My brain was going into overdrive trying to think of an excuse to get everyone out of the clubroom, and also worrying about what might be coming for us. The thought that this was just Itsuki screwing with us again to give Haruhi something to do did occur to me, but at the same time, at the back of my mind, I already knew this was legit. The voice had called me by the name John Smith, and I don't think I'd ever told anyone about what happened when I helped Young Haruhi on Tanabata. Maybe the older Mikuru knew about John Smith, but even if it were her, that wouldn't make the warning any less dire. Maybe even moreso.

I rolled my eyes and groaned in frustration as I put away my phone. My exaggerated ire drew Haruhi in like a charm.

"Who was that?"

"Nobody," I replied with a scowl. "Some idiot trying to play a prank. 'Cyborg clones at the café!' Do they really think I'd fall for something stupid like that?"

And just like that, Haruhi took the bait. She never believed me when I was serious about something crazy and supernatural, but if I acted like I didn't believe it, then without fail she'd go out of her way to force everyone to investigate. It was like I was challenging her belief in the otherworldly, and she never passed up a challenge. I love you, Reverse Psychology.

"CYBORG CLONES~!?" Everyone winced as Haruhi screamed in delight and shot up from her seat. "C'mon, SOS Brigade, LET'S GO! We have to hurry before they leave! HURRY HURRY HURRY!"

Itsuki just smiled blandly on and Mikuru drew back in fear of Haruhi's outburst, and Nagato didn't even bother to look up from her book, but Haruhi didn't seem to care. In a single bound she was at my side and my tie was firmly in her fist, and less than a second later I was being dragged out the clubroom door, thankful for one of the only times in my life that Haruhi was so predicatably enthusiastic.

I didn't get to see it, being pulled along like I was, but the others followed us out almost as quickly, and within a few minutes we were outside, hurrying after Haruhi who was pointing and shouting about all the things she'd ask the cyborgs when she met them, and generally just making a scene. I did look back though, before leaving the school grounds, a random fit of curiosity taking me and inspiring me to check the clubroom window from the ground, just to see if anything might be there.

I really wish I hadn't. To this day I still wake up in a cold sweat just thinking about it. There was something in the clubroom. Something inhuman, a ghoulish shadow that seemed to blur at the edges, was in front of the window, shifting and changing in form as fluidly as a cloud of smoke, but clearly having the solidity of a living body. There were other things up there too, but I didn't gawk long enough to get a good look at them. They weren't especially frightening in themselves, of course, no worse than your average creepy ghost movie, but it was the fact that they were real and were in _our_ clubroom that scared the wits out of me. I can't describe how I felt at the time other than completely violated knowing they were there, in our personal clubroom where we could be reasonably sure we were safe (at least from everything except Haruhi's whims). And we almost didn't make it out in time. What might they have done to us if we hadn't left? I had no idea at the time, but not knowing was what made the sight all the more frightening, and as soon as I looked away I ran faster than I think I've ever run before or after. Hell, I almost left _Haruhi_ in the dust.

I kept thinking about the figure in the window and the person on the phone the whole way to the café, and it must've been obvious that I was a bit shook up because Mikuru, bless her cute little heart, asked if I was alright on the train ride over. She looked up at me with those big round eyes and put a hand gently against my arm, much to Haruhi's disapproval, and I felt my heart ache from the cuteness overload. Seriously, how could someone like her even exist? Oh right. Haruhi. It always came back to Haruhi, didn't it?

The hyperactive girl in question spent the trip babbling about something or other, (I think I caught a snippet of her lamenting that there couldn't be a penalty because we were all going to arrive at the café at the same time), and I quickly lost track and just decided to give up trying to follow her incomprehensible logic. Nagato hadn't brought a book along, which on its own was worrying, but what made me real uncomfortable was how she just stared at me. Normally, Nagato looked straight ahead if she didn't have her nose stuck in a book, but for some reason this time I happened to be the most interesting thing in the world to her, (not that her face revealed anything, of course).

Itsuki was the only one who not only noticed something was wrong but actually looked like he shared my concern, his face growing dark like it sometimes does when he talks about Closed Space. After getting off the train and during the short walk to the café he checked to make sure Haruhi wasn't looking then leaned in and whispered to me.

"What's the real reason we left school?"

I frowned and put up a hand, reminding him I didn't like when he got so close, then shook my head. I didn't really have an answer. I mean, what could I say? He was observant though, and no matter how shifty he might have been, he at least could be depended on when it came to the matters of secrecy.

"We're in danger," I whispered back. "I'm not sure what's going on, but whatever it is I bet it's Haruhi's fault."

He nodded seriously, and behind his veneer of calm I could see the cogs in his brain start chugging along. As much of a yesman and an enabler as he was toward Haruhi, he certainly wasn't a slouch when it came to all the supernatural crap she put us through. Although that still didn't mean I trusted him. He was, and would only ever be, loyal to some nebulous group of espers that might as well have been the Illuminati for all it mattered, and if they changed their minds and decided I was a liability, he'd stab me in the back faster than you could say 'Ryoko Asakura'.

I was ruminating on just that very topic when we arrived in front of the café and Haruhi bounded in before the rest of us, apparently still convinced we'd gotten an anonymous tip about cyborg clones giving us a little visit. When there were none to be found she didn't miss a beat, just smiling that devious smile of hers and giving her trademark giggle of mischief, then sitting down to order some coffee.

"Oh dear!" she said rather loudly as the rest of the SOS Brigade filed in behind her. "It sure would be awful if a _bionic commando_ or something were to just _show up_ and _surprise me_! YEP! It _sure_ would be _awful_! We _wouldn't_ want that! I'm so glad everything's completely _normal_ around here!"

I put my palm across my face at that. Everyone was looking at us like we were a bunch of crazies, and I had half a mind to agree with them. The employees, meanwhile, only snickered. They knew us pretty well by this point, and Haruhi's attempt at subtley asking for the cyborgs I just made up to come talk to her wasn't the weirdest thing they'd ever seen from her.

The rest of us made our way to the table she'd chosen to sit at, our usual spot, but when I heard a ring in my pocket I took a brief detour to the bathroom, much to Haruhi's annoyance.

"Okay," I started into my phone after I was safely alone, "what the hell is going on?"

The garbled voice from before just sighed.

 _"I'm sorry, but there's not much time. The SOS Brigade, or rather, Haruhi, is being hunted. You and everyone else that'll be involved in this by the end are just secondary."_ Haruhi was all-important? Well, that was certainly different from business as usual. Except it wasn't. _"I can't reveal too much, but I can tell you this: Someone or something has found out about Miss Suzumiya's, shall we say,_ 'abilities,' _and wants them for themself. To this end, they'll likely send agents to capture her and dispose of everyone that stands in their way. That means you."_

It was a good thing I wasn't out sipping coffee with the rest of the Brigade when I heard that or else I would've choked. As it was, I was already finding it tough to breathe. After everything that had happened already, I thought the worst was behind me. After all, you can't really do much worse than being stabbed in the gut by a blue-haired psycho-bitch and being left to bleed out in the street. But never before had something like this ever happened. Before, the strange or dangerous things that happened were just random, events crashing against us like the tides of Haruhi's mind - a force of nature. But this - being hunted - it was a conscious and deliberate act. If I wasn't already spooked, now I was downright jittery, and despite the bored frown on my face as I tried to keep it together, I found my foot tapping to let the stress out.

"What else can you tell me?" I asked quickly, glancing over my shoulder at the café's bathroom door. "How do they know about Haruhi? Who are 'they'? What do I do? Who're you?"

 _"There's no time for that. Haruhi will be getting suspicious if you stay in the bathroom for much longer."_ What the...? How did the person on the phone know I was in the bathroom? Was I being watched? I looked around but it didn't seem like there was anyone else in there but me. Maybe hidden cameras? That would be pretty illegal, and putting them in a bathroom just made it worse. But then again, I was convinced this mystery person calling me was legit warning we were about to be attacked, or something, so I guess I had more important problems than being spied on. _"Go back out and sit down. Between the booth cushions you should find an unmarked bank card. It links to a private account containing three-hundred-two million, seven hundred thousand, five hundred and ninety one yen._ _This is the exact amount you'll need to not only protect Haruhi Suzumiya and yourself, but those around you, and ultimately, the whole world."_

Wow, that was unexpected. I might've replied that this was getting way more intense than I'd have liked, but before I could, the mystery voice hung up on me. Typical. I wouldn't be surprised if it was actually Haruhi pranking me. It sure seemed like something she'd do. And the caller ID did say 'SOS'...

But no, that was impossible. Haruhi didn't know about John Smith. Absolutely not. If she did, she wouldn't stop pestering me about it, and the whole world would be tearing apart at the seams as she came up with bigger and wilder explanations for how she could've met me way back when she was in junior high. No way. This was for real. And the mystery voice said I'd have to protect the whole world! Just what did they think I was supposed to be? An invincible badass with a chainsaw for a hand? I couldn't save the world. The best I was able to do last time was only push a button on the computer then get stabbed before I could actually do the world-saving part. Yeah. I can just see it now! 'Kyon: Big Damn Hero!' Like that would ever happen.

Either way, thinking about it any further seemed like a waste of time, and I figured I better just do as I was told and go back to the Brigade. Whatever I was supposed to do, the first step would be to check for that bank card. To think, 302 million yen. How in the hell was I supposed to spend that much? Did saving the world involve purchasing my own private island and keeping Haruhi locked up there so no one could come and take her god powers away? And just how did one go about taking god powers away, anyway? The whole idea of it was mind-baffling, and once again I could only just sigh and accept that all this weird stuff would ever be beyond my understanding.

Back at the table, drinks were already served and Haruhi was chattering away about something, the thought of cyborg clones already forgotten, or more likely, stored away at the back of her mind to make my life a living hell at a later date.

"Isn't that right, Kyon?" she quipped as I stepped up to the table and sat down on the booth section.

Mikuru looked distressed, so I figured Haruhi was just abusing her again. Funny how something that normally boiled my blood seemed so inconsequential compared to the thought of saving the world. I wonder if that's the mindset of world leaders when they're planning the future of their countries. I don't suppose the Japanese Prime Minister is worried he left the stove on when he's got an aging population to account for in the national budget going forward.

"No, Haruhi," I answered blandly, somewhat distracted as I fished my hand behind my back to check between the seat cushions. "Whatever it is, I don't think it's a good idea."

"Oh yeah!? Well...!"

And she went off again. Not that I was paying attention, because right that second my fingers chanced across a thin sheet of plastic lodged in the seat cushions behind me. I pulled it out and, sure enough, it was a bank card, an account number and an expiration date on the front but not a name to be found. The only questions now were whether it actually linked to millions of yen, and if so, whether or not that money was clean. I sincerely hoped so.

And as the thought occured to me that I might be in the middle of saving the world (however I was expected to do that) only to be arrested by the cops because I'd been spending stolen money, my phone went off again, and this time Haruhi noticed.

"Hey, hey!" she prodded me in a hushed burst of excitement. "Is that the same guy as before? Keep him on the line and I'll watch to see if anyone here is on the phone too. Then we'll be able to find out who the cyborg is!"

Right. Okay, Haruhi. Despite my apprehension, Haruhi's boundless confidence actually made me feel a little better about the situation that was still unfolding, and with a small smile I opened my phone one last time.

"I found what you mentioned before," I said matter-of-factly, stuffing the bank card in my pants pocket. "I hope this time you have a little more information for me?"

 _"Unfortunately not. This time I only come with a warning and word of encouragement. You won't hear from me again."_ Another warning? That didn't bode well. _"You have fifteen seconds. Until then, I just want you to know I believe in you. I know you're a little confused and grumpy about all this, but Nagato and Koizumi should be able to figure out what needs doing quickly enough. You can handle this. I know because that's what the voice on the phone told me when I was in your position. See ya, old friend."_

What? No. Really. WHAT!?

It was at that moment, with me still holding the phone to my ear and a look of dismayed horror creeping across my face, that two guys in trenchcoats walked into the café and pulled out a pair of machineguns, aiming them right at us.

HHHHHHHHH


End file.
